


Losing Control

by whydontyouallf_fadeaway



Category: Strike Back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-25 02:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21348817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whydontyouallf_fadeaway/pseuds/whydontyouallf_fadeaway
Summary: Alex's thoughts during S7E08 when discussing the incident in Helmand.
Kudos: 3





	Losing Control

Ah, Helmand, a part of my life that I should be proud of but instead my mistakes has turned the memories into a complete nightmare that almost ruined my life. It's only by the saving grace of my new team that I find myself back into military life at all and at this moment in time, I can't say I am enjoying it.

The fact that this idiot is bringing it up now is only making me angry and I've tried to keep that to myself. I'm not quite sure why those in higher authority than myself seem to get a kick out of subtly bringing it back up in the hope of a rise from me. I feel myself constantly clenching my jaw and I'm surprised it's still in tact the amount of times I have been doing it.

“I'd thought you had learned your lesson...”

I don't know why I let people get to me the way I do, but that sent my anger bubbling over the surface and I launched myself forward before stopping myself from giving him the satisfaction and managing two strained words; “I have.”

But he was right, I have a temper and sometimes it drives me to decisions that I don't exactly think through but I always do what I feel is best for my team and it was just a complete disaster that I messed up back in Helmand. There was a reason I didn't want another team, why I was so hostile towards Twenty and I have been avoiding this conversation for so long because people couldn't wait to shove it back in my face; the High Commissioner and now this fool.

Now he decides to bring up the fact I hit a rough patch, mentally. I hit the bottle, blew too much money on whiskey to stop myself from doing anything stupid. Those men should not have died, and it was my fault. I can't do it again and I have to convince everyone, most of all myself that this is the job I can do. But how can I when I constantly take my team into danger? Into situations with only Chetri and myself as back up. Twenty technically doesn't exist any more so it's not like I can get the government to justify myself to in order to get a little extra back up when needed. We were on our own and I thought I could control that but I can barely control myself.

The problem is, my nerve is better now and I feel that if the mission called for it, I would send them anywhere necessary, even it if meant danger awaited them. I reached under the table, able to grab hold of the other handcuff that was attached to a slightly loose hand rail so I tugged it quietly to try and further release any screws in case I need a weapon, but I hope I don't need to use it.

I try my hardest daily to keep my cool, but I don't appreciate being drugged, a bag put over my head and dragged into a pokey little room that reminds me of the rooms mental patients get put in in films. Being handcuffed to a table is probably for the best, but I hate feeling confined, I prefer to be in full control of my actions, feel trusted to be off a leash that I felt restricted to.

There's nothing worse than feeling like you have to answer to someone when you're in charge. I have my reasons for doing things the way I do but this time I like to be kept close to the Section knowing their history with going rogue and off books whenever they feel like it so I felt it was best to be in charge of being rogue rather than having to answer to someone with no explanation for my team.

That worked out well, didn't it? I'm now answering for them with answers instead of not having a clue which is what I never want again.


End file.
